Emotional Eating June 17, 2010

This past week or so has been Rough!  Gideon, my adorable 1 year old son, was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  My emotions ran the gambit.  There was not one that I did not feel.  The two major ones were disappointment and guilt.

I am ashamed to admit that I was very disappointed in God.  I questioned Him.  After all that Gideon and I have been through I was so upset about it.  I felt God wasn’t being “fair”.  Stupid I know.  Even then I knew I was being stupid.  I just couldn’t shake the feeling.  After time I got over it, but still it was my first reaction.

As for my guilt, it was one that crept back into my thoughts.  I thought I had gotten over being guilty that I can’t have a baby.  But I was wrong.  I felt horribly guilty that I couldn’t give my husband a perfect child.  If I had just been able to get pregnant than my husband wouldn’t have to go through all of this.  Then I just felt even worse because I was making Gideon out to be less than what he is.  Gideon is perfect.  Just because he has issues doesn’t change that.  I felt like a terrible wife and mother.

During all these emotions my first reaction was to eat.  It amazed me how quickly my mind went to comforting myself with food.  I’ve known that I’ve been an emotional eater, you don’t get to be as big as I am without that.  I just didn’t see how much I depended on it.  Lucky for me I really can’t eat still so I was forced to be comforted elsewhere.

Since my “go to” was blocked I went to God, like I should have done in the first place.  It was a struggle though.  I almost felt stranded.  With food, its something I can control.  I can control what I eat, how much, when, and where.  With my son’s CP I can’t control that.  God reminded me that I’m never in control.  Its sad you know, we think that we can control things in our life.  Where we work, who we marry, where we live all these are choices we make, things we think that we control the outcome.  Boy are we wrong.  If you were to tell me 4 years ago that I would be living in the Middletown area and have an adopted child and being a stay at home mom I would have asked what you were smoking.

God plans everything for us.   God gave my perfect son.  He was made for us just as much as we were made for him.  God had Gideon picked out for me before I was even born.  God knows that I can handle a child with CP.  And what’s even more He knows that Gideon will be a light for Him!

I need to remember that daily.  I need to remember that He has it all figured out.  Not one step I take He doesn’t know.  Not one breathe I take He hasn’t given me.  Why wouldn’t He give Gideon all He needs?  I have to trust that the Creator has control.  I have to rest in my Father for my comfort, not in food.

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